Hello, babies. As Mother's Day approaches, all I can think about is you. How old you would be now if you were alive. How far along I would be if you had made it. All I have is one ultrasound picture that is proof you lived at one point. There's no evidence I'm a mom, just that one picture and that's it.

Most days I can get along fine. God has given me strength above and beyond. That doesn't mean I don't think about you. Doesn't mean I don't walk by your room every day and silently tell God I don't agree with his plan. It just means that I have a path set before me that I must follow, but...

I miss you all. I miss watching you grow. I miss hearing your heartbeat. I miss seeing you become a baby and learning who you would be. If you would be a boy or a girl. If you were lazy like me or always going like your dad. Would you have food aversions? Would you like coffee? Silly question, there's no choice on that one.

I miss you.

But I can't stay here. In this hurt. That's not healthy. Your lives are gone, but I'm still here. So I need to get up and dust myself off. There are children out there who need my love. Children whose parents need help and guidance. Children whose parents have failed because someone failed before them. Children whom no one wants because they aren't "just so."

So I have to go now. I have to help and fix what I can. I have to pick up my cross and follow Christ. But one day we'll meet and I won't ever let you go. I don't care if that annoys you, but I have a lifetime of snuggles and kisses to catch up on.

Say Happy Mother's Day to grandma. She's the one with bright red lipstick and perfectly curled hair underneath a brilliant scarf. Tell her you're mine and she'll have stories for days about me growing up. It's only true if it ends with me being awesome. Other than that it's all lies. ;)

I love you. I miss you. I'll see you when it's time.

-Mom

Acts 20:24 "But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."