Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Ohmygosh.. They're here. What do we do? Maybe if we ignore the doorbell they'll just go away. Wait! No. That's not what we want. Ok. Time to open the door. Just open it. There's no one bad behind it, just your caseworker. It's ok. Breathe. Smile. Open.

Oh, hello! Welcome to my house that I definitely own. Well, not "own". The bank owns it, I'm just paying them to own it. It's a weird relationship I try not to question. Oh, yes have a seat. That's totally an adult chair right there. Definitely did not buy it from Ikea or Target and set it up myself. If it breaks we'll just pretend that that wasn't supposed to happen.

I'm doing well, thank you for asking. I did not just throw up in the toilet five minutes before you came. I'm totally fine, cool, calm, and collected. I am the picture of peace. On a ship. In the middle of a storm. Hurricane, to be exact. Waves pulling the ship down and people running around screaming, "THIS IS HOW WE DIE!" That's the picture I am right now.

Ah, yes let's tour my super adult home, shall we? This is the living room. You noticed the cracks, too? I knew it! Our foundation will crumble around us and kill the foster child! You are right! We should never have even thought about caring for children! Oh.. You have foundation problems too? Oh, yeah. That's normal for old homes. Did you get a french drain too? Yeah, we know a guy who helped us out for a fair price. Yeah, sure, I'll give you his number. He's great.

Well, here's our bookshelf. Yup, lots of books. We both love our books. Yes, we do have three sets of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Haven't you read them? They're great. It's about a hobbit who has to destroy the One Ring and not die along the way... Ya know what? You probably shouldn't read it. Oh, no. They're fine.  No violence whatsoever in them. Yup. Easy breezy. Just hiking across Middle Earth and back. No big deal. Spoiler alert! Good guys win. See? Now you don't even have to read it.

Here's our hallway. It's a nice hallway. I even vacuumed it for you three times before you came. It's just beautiful. It's got carpet and it's in a hall.. that shows you the way.. Yeah.. Oh, yes here's our first bedroom. Yup. I've already set up a bed just in case. Is it too pink? Do girls still like pink? Because Target has some nice pineapple sheets that I can work with. Oh, it's fine? Are you sure? Oh, let's look at the next room? Ok..

Well, here's the potential boy room. Yup, dinosaur sheets. We also like Jurassic Park. More like Michael Crichton and his writing. He's pretty awesome. And hey! He wrote the book, Jurassic Park, in case you didn't understand my train of thought. You liked the movie, too? Maybe you should read the books? Uhh wait.. I don't exactly remember how much violence is in that.. Well, just in case, good guys win! The kids don't die and that's all that matters, right?

Onto our room. Yup. Definitely make my bed every day. I'm a stickler on that one. That's what adults do. Make beds. And vacuum hallways. So I'm definitely an adult.

Ok, so the tour is over. Our house is terrible, I knew it. You didn't like it and we're not ready. I completely get it. If I were you, I would have walked right on out and laughed all the way to my car. Oh? It's perfect? We're ready? Are you sure? Because I'm going to be honest with you, that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is not for the kids when they come. I eat it for breakfast. Daily. Nothing nutty or fruity or tastes like cardboard. I like the taste of sugary processed cereal. And you want me to foster children? Are you sure???

Oh, you're handing me the pen. You're sure. Ok. Where do I sign? Right there? Just right there? On that line. And then I'm in charge of a kid. Ok. You know I haven't signed official documents since I bought this house? Well, since the bank bought this house. Do you know what I used as secondary ID? My Zoo Pass. No lie. They needed something laminated with my name on it. And that's what I used. So are you sure? Ok.

*scribble name as adult-y as I can*

It's official? We're official? So now we can foster a kid anytime? What are your thoughts on no takesies backsies? Oh, you're giving me a look. Ok. That was a joke. Kind of.

Ok, well bye! When I close this door I definitely will not be shaking and having a panic attack! Time to find the toilet!