The Myth of Compatibility
It seems like there are relationship experts everywhere.
There are countless dating sites that claim to have it all figured out and quizzes and questionnaires to help make sure all the pieces fit. Personality type identification is all the rage, and each one comes with a list of compatible types for relationships.
People who are dating are perhaps more focused than ever before on making sure they find the right match and a compatible partner before they tie the proverbial knot. We’re told that is the key to a healthy, lasting marriage. And yet, marriages aren’t lasting any longer. The divorce rate isn’t changing much. If a marriage is going to fail, statistically it will fail before their 9th anniversary, but odds are high that they won’t see their 3rd anniversary.
Really.
So is the idea of compatibility actually helping? Or is there something else at play here?
The Compatibility Problem
In many ways, compatibility seems to have become a scapegoat. If a relationship doesn’t work out, we blame it on compatibility. “Oh, we just weren’t compatible,” we say and then take another quiz to see which enneagram wing we should be on the hunt for next.
Is compatibility important? Somewhat. But I don’t think it’s the be-all, end-all to relationships.
The problem with being hyper-focused on making sure we find a compatible match is that we start to take our own responsibility out of the equation. If a relationship is to work and we’re going to last, it’s because we’re compatible, not because we had to work at it. If we’re compatible, it shouldn’t be hard.
The problem with that lie is that every time we do hit a bit of a rocky moment, we throw our hands up, lament the lack of compatibility, and storm off in search of calmer seas. Rinse, repeat.
The reason that doesn’t work and isn’t sustainable is that we’re all ultimately terrible and selfish people. Sorry, but it’s true. And a compatible relationship just isn’t going to fix that.
Compatibility isn’t the problem: we are.
When we put all of our eggs in the basket of relational compatibility, we’re basically saying, “Hey if this doesn’t work out, it’s not my fault,” and then we move on, entirely unchanged. But being willing to change is a huge part of a successful relationship. Romans 12 says to “Let love be genuine,” and, “outdo one another in showing honor.”
There’s nothing there about hoping it works based on compatibility. It’s a picture of competing to see who can honor the other person more. I wonder what the divorce rate would look like if everyone tried that?
The Solution: Selflessness
Everything we see in our world about relationships says to make sure that every single thing fits like a perfect puzzle piece before you ever consider being serious with that person. Nothing out there says to take responsibility for your actions or, you know, just be decent.
So here’s something to try, far better than looking for the perfect Meyer’s-Briggs match, or a top hit to swipe left or right or whichever (I don’t know anything about Tinder)—instead of looking for compatible, look for godly. Find a person who matches that Romans 12 description: someone who will outdo you in showing honor. And here’s the important part: you have to try to outdo them in showing honor.
A successful, godly relationship is the picture of two people racing to be first, more like Jesus, but then to outdo their spouse in showing them genuine love and meeting their needs more than they want their own needs met. Imagine both people doing that equally for each other. That’s a powerful picture.
Find a person who can do and be that and you’ll never think about compatibility again. But it’s a two-way street: you have to commit to being that person for them, too. In short, it comes down to being decent to other people.
Forget compatibility, pursue selflessness.
Compatibility is all about finding someone who fits me; selflessness is all about putting someone else’s needs above my own.
Compatibility says if it doesn’t work, it just wasn’t meant to be—it shouldn’t be hard if we’re a fit. Selflessness admits that at our core, we’re all pretty selfish people, so we need to actively work at putting others first—and you know what? That’s pretty hard.
Now, I’m not saying we should be a doormat and let others walk all over us. That’s not healthy. When the Bible speaks of being equally yoked (an oft-cited relationship passage), it’s a picture of finding someone who can carry the same weight as you in the same direction. It’s this idea of finding a like-minded person who puts as much work into the relationship as you do. Find that person. And then work at it.
Don’t write off your challenges in the name of compatibility—take responsibility and just be decent, and then find you a person who’ll be decent right back.
If that sounds deceptively simple, well, it is.
