Want To Change
Hello reader, thank you for being here today. You’re probably wondering why I called this meeting. Please, allow me to explain.
It all started in 1991… oh, wait. That’s too far back.
It all started when Cameron and I met around 2015 or so. As the years have worn on, we’ve become very close friends (despite what he might tell you.) And in that time, among other things, Cam has been a huge advocate and mentor for me. I don’t know that he ever meant to be, but here we are. As we’ve gotten to know each other better, he’s been really great about absolutely badgering me about being the best I can be at something helping me realize that my talents and passions are useful, and pushing me constantly to be better than I was the day before.
So, why are we here? Well, Cameron and I wrote a book together, you may remember it, The Soul Felt Its Worth. Upon completion, we discovered that, despite our many hours of mostly constructive and loving arguments, we actually really enjoyed writing together, and we wanted to do more of it. So, Cameron had this crazy idea that I come alongside he and Hailee on the AFV team. I'd like to maybe one day introduce you to my sweet bride as well, but that will take some convincing.
What you need to know about me: I am a father of three with one more on the way (all girls), Katie and I will have been married 10 years this December, professionaly I work in software sales, but my real passion lies in anything that serves the Kingdom of God. I love technology except for when I hate it (Dave, if you ever make me plug Dante back into the network, I will cry actual tears. No one wants to see a grown man cry.), and I love childrens ministry. I also love hibachi.
I'm super excited to be a part of AFV, and I look forward to sharing with you more in the future!
Katie and I got married what seems like about fifteen minutes after we graduated high school. In reality I had graduated about seven months earlier. And she had graduated about a year and seven months earlier (I know what you’re thinking, and you’re correct, I did find myself an older woman). We were both young, and we were both immature, but as you’ll see, I doubled down on that immaturity pretty quickly.
The next thing that’s important to note is that, for pretty much as long as I can remember as a child, my sister and I had it pretty easy. Our dad is one of the hardest working people I have ever known, and my mom is a servant above all else. She’s a strong two. So growing up, we always had plenty, and it was always taken care of for us. Even after we got married, we spent our first year living in my parents’ house. We, but more specifically, I, was immature. I never really had to learn how to take care of myself, so I certainly didn’t know how to take care of a wife. And as you’ll see, for a long time, I really didn’t desire any different. And I think that’s a pretty normal story. Maybe not the living with your parents part, although that is becoming increasingly common. But specifically the “I don’t know how to adult. Adulting is hard” aspect of growing up.
But here’s the rub. Here’s what makes or breaks that uncomfortable transition into adulthood. Here’s where you either figure it out and sail smoothly into the traffic free HOV lane of life, or you come to a skittering halt as you slam into the backend of some fancy Italian luxury car and immediately know that your insurance company is just going to drop you (that metaphor kind of got away from me, sorry). The thing that makes all the difference is your willingness to change. To grow. To desire to do better. To be better.
There are some pretty natural points throughout marriages where things can get a bit rocky. Statistically speaking, if you’re going to get divorced, it’s going to happen within the first five years of your marriage. At five years in, you’re pretty comfortable with each other. You know each other’s likes and dislikes. You really know what what makes each other tick. But, in those first five awkward years of learning how to live with someone else, that person has probably also put up with a lot and pushed down a lot of what they may want to say to you. You’ve probably done so, too. And though while not ideal, this isn’t even really the problem we’re addressing. the problem we’re talking about is how you respond when they finally do voice their opinion or concern. How willing you are to change?
Five years in, Katie and I knew each other well. We had been through the “honeymoon phase.” We had bought a house together. We had two kids together. I changed careers. We both went back to school. We’d done a lot of growing together. But now, with two kids on her hip constantly, it wasn’t as easy for her to do everything by herself.
One weekend, I was at home by myself. Katie and the girls had left to go visit family in New Mexico, and I was working out of town that upcoming week. So while I sat at home alone enjoying my day off, I fixed myself a nice heaping plate of fishsticks, as you do, and I plopped down on the couch in front of my Playstation. The next morning, I was headed out of town for work. Not giving a single second of thought to how I left the house for my wife when she returned home. As it would happen, she returned, and let me know exactly how I had left it — messy. But the real problem wasn’t the mess. It was that she had asked me, very specifically, to make sure I picked up my stuff before I left because she had worked hard to clean the house before she left. I didn’t.
She sent me a text that haunts me to this day, it was severe and scolding and exactly what I needed to hear.
But there’s another part of this story that haunts me even more, and that is how we even got to that point.
We’d already had conversations about my helping, and how she just wanted me to want to help and for some reason I didn’t get it
Even now as I write it, that’s just an absolute dagger into my very own soul. To think that I was ever that selfish.
Whatever bad habit, whatever vice, no matter what you wrap it up in, the message is still the same — You’ve got to be willing to change. You’ve got to desire to do better. It’s so perfectly illustrated in that one comment Katie made to me. She didn’t say “I just want you to fold the fitted sheet correctly” (thank God for that, or we’d still be in trouble) she didn’t say “I just want you to scrub the toilets perfectly” she didn’t say “I just want you to seperate the darks from the lights.” Her only request was that I would want to help her. That I would be willing to sacrifice just a little bit of who I was in order to come alongside her and be who she needed.
This isn’t a story about my disdain for household chores. That’s nothing new. There’s no one who likes doing chores. (Or maybe there are, but they’re the same people that don’t like pineapple on pizza, so you can’t really trust their opinion anyway.) (editor’s note, pineapple on pizza is, in fact, the worst.) This is a cautionary tale about maturity. About growth. About how detrimental that stubborn refusal to change can be. The underlying story could be anything. And this same scenario has probably played out in many different marriages over many different things. Maybe you really like to gamble and your spouse objects to it. Maybe your spouse wants you to quit going out with your friends so often. Maybe, as has become so common with so many unfortunate souls, you’re addicted to porn and your spouse has asked you to get help.
The important thing here isn’t to just kick your habit overnight (unless your habit is like eating rat poison or something, then yeah, probably go ahead and kick that one, like, now.) but to grow in that moment. To exercise some maturity. To recognize that your spouse isn’t asking you to move mountains. They’re really just asking you to show them that you want to grow. That you care enough about them to be willing to change. Even just a little bit.
