Positive

Four days into fostering our first set, and I knew that my period wasn't "just late". I didn't want to take the test. This wasn't part of the plan I had submitted to, and I wasn't ready for those next steps. But with each passing day, the unknown kept gnawing at me and I decided to just pee on the stick. Positive.

Not just barely positive. Full on, strong, heavy positive.

And I wept bitter tears.

Now, before I go on I just want to say that I 100% believe babies are a gift from God. They are precious miracles the moment they are formed and should be cherished from day one. But in that moment, I could tell you the exact date we would lose this child.

I could tell you that I would go in at 5 weeks for blood work and my levels would be "exceedingly high" giving me a false sense of hope.

I could tell you that at 6 weeks I had a 50/50 shot of seeing a little Frank embryo, or a dark hole where once a baby resided.

By 8 weeks I would either lose the baby physically, or I would go in for the ultrasound and learn what once was an embryo, is now a dead baby.

At 10 weeks I would start bleeding.

At 12 weeks, if I hadn't lost the baby completely, we would have a D&C scheduled.

Around 16 weeks my levels would normal off and I would be given the go ahead, once again, to try for baby number 5.

I saw all that in one test, and I cried horrible, ugly tears. I wasn't ready. Not this time. I couldn't walk through all that again. I'm not strong enough. I'm not one of those amazing women who can have 10 miscarriages and still hold on strong to God. My trials have grown my faith, but some days my faith feels fragile at best.

So I did the only thing I knew I could do.

I begged and pleaded and cried and threw all my energy at God's feet. I told Him I couldn't do it. That if He allowed us to walk through this again, I really didn't know if I would be able to come out of this still following Him. I prayed I would, I want my faith to withstand any trial, but 3 babies was hard enough. I don't want to keep adding to the list. I told Him I needed Him to protect this baby. He knew our hearts and He knew we didn't want this baby for selfish gain, but to raise this baby up to love and follow Him and to lead this baby to commit their whole life to Him one day. I begged for help and peace because there's nothing within me that can take on this battle again.

I would like to tell you that I ended my prayer telling God I'll submit to whatever He has for us, but I didn't. Those weren't my feelings at the time. In the moment, I was scared and confused. But I can tell you I left my prayer time full of peace. If I focused on the situation I would definitely freak out, but if I looked to Jesus I knew we could make it one week at a time.

And we did!

I told a small group of friends our situation, and let me tell you, I think poor Jesus received an overload of prayers over this cute little baby. Friends would text me randomly over these past 8 weeks saying they prayed over our baby, or they sent a verse to remind me of God's power and faithfulness, some even liked to remind me they could see a tiny baby bump (stop it, Evelyn! Just kidding. I love it.).

And with each week, we saw our healthy baby grow. At 8 weeks he was a blob. A cute blob! But a blob with a heartbeat.

At 9 weeks he had a head and belly with little arm buds and leg buds. And we still saw that amazing heartbeat.

At 10 weeks we saw limbs! He squirmed around and really seemed to be enjoying himself. And, of course, we saw (and heard!) that beautiful heartbeat.

Now it's 12 weeks and he is the most precious thing I ever did see. He was sleeping today (he gets his lazy mornings from me), but his heartbeat was good and strong. He has all his parts and everything is where it should be.

And he is perfect. (He may not be a he, but I don't want to call him "it" so he is a he for now!)

I write all this to say, God is amazing. To the best of my knowledge, I shouldn't carry babies beyond 8 weeks. That's been my norm. We have no idea why we lost those babies and therefore had no reason to believe any future ones would make it.

But here he is, and ALL glory and praise to God.

When we walked through all our miscarriages, God led to me 2 Samuel 22. This is a long chapter so I would post it if it weren't so long, but to summarize: David speaks of how God has been his rock, refuge, shield. David was attacked and felt that death was nearby. But he cried out to God and God heard him! My favorite transition is at verse 8, but I'll start at verse 7 to give you an intro,

"In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I called. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry came to his ears. Then the earth reeled and rocked; the foundations of the heavens trembled and quaked because he was angry. Smoke went up from his nostrils, and devouring fire from his mouth; glowing coals flamed forth from him. He bowed the heavens and came down;..."

God hears our cry! And God will move heaven and earth to protect his children. He doesn't just sit there on his throne, ignoring the pains of his children. He gets angry. He acts. And when He moves, the whole earth feels His might and those who stand against his little ones do not stand a chance against His wrath. God comes down and fights on our behalf!

So whatever it is you're going through, whatever pain you are feeling or whatever trial you are walking through, please know God is not slow to act. He hears you. He is moving. And when you come out of this trial, believe you me your enemies will be burnt to a crisp.

We are so grateful for this precious baby and I am so thankful for everyone who has prayed for us and continues to do so. We will still foster. Just because God has blessed us with our little pipsqueak, does not nullify our calling to foster. If anything, we want to show these kiddos what a family looks like and how loving them will be no different than loving our little.

You are so loved, little pipsqueak! Daddy and I pray every day for you and we have chosen this verse just for you. God has some amazing things planned for you, this I know. :)

2 Samuel 7:9 And I have been with you wherever you went and have cut off all your enemies from before you. And I will make for you a great name, like the name of the great ones of the earth.